Godzilla's Sweet 16
by UnstableUniverses
Summary: Alcohol and young kaiju don't mix well. Will Godzilla be able to keep his friends under control, and salvage his birthday trip to Earth? Written for the Unstable Universes Podcast.


"Kevin honey, your friends are here!" his mom called from downstairs.

"I'll be down in a minute, god! And I told you to call me Godzilla!" The massive lizard yelled back as reflection stared back at him. Finally happy with how it looked, he gave himself one last spritz of cologne and headed out of the bathroom.

He marched down the stairs to see a group of young monsters idly chatting with his parents.

"Hey, chief, happy birthday!" his step-father clapped him on the back and gave him a little shake. "The big one-six! How does it feel to be a category five kaiju, sport?"

"Go screw, Roy." Godzilla said as he shoved the older kaiju's arm off his shoulder. "I'll be back late, okay. Don't wait up."

Godzilla and his posse left the house quickly and piled into Knifehead's mom's Hyundai Elantra. Sum 41 was blasting through the speakers, and they pulled out of the driveway. The car was speeding down the suburban streets when Godzilla piped up, "So guys, what's the big birthday surprise you kept talking about?"

From the passenger seat, Leatherback turned around and looked at the birthday boy with a serious face, "We're heading to the Breach, dude. We're going to Earth! Otachi came through and got us some brew-dogs and we'll all go fuckin' wild!"

Otachi lifted up a case of beer from between his legs and rattled them as proof of Leatherback's statement. Raucous shouts and hollers came from the other excited partygoers as the car hurtled toward the Breach. Godzilla however, sat quietly thinking to himself. He never thought of himself as the underage drinking type, but it could be fun and he didn't want his friends to think that just because he's straightedge lifestyle that he was lame. It was bad enough that they had to talk to his stick-in-the-mud mom and goddamn Roy.

But before he could come to a decision, they had arrived. The Elantra found a parking spot and came to a stop. The gang climbed out and approached the ticket booth.

"What can I do for you this evening, gentlemen?" The ticket taking kaiju said with a plastered-on smile that quickly faded.

"We'll be taking four tickets to Earth," Leatherback replied, shuffling to get his wallet.

"And will that be business or pleasure?" She replied, totally deadpan.

"Oh, you gotta know I'm always about the pleasure," he turned back and gave his friends a thumbs up.

After the transaction was done, they passed through the gate and into the gaping portal. A bright red light flashed and blinded Godzilla briefly, but after it faded, he realized he was under water. He held his breath tight and followed his three friends.

It took nearly an hour of swimming, but they finally reached a harbor. They all peeked their heads up above the water to see the human city before them.

"Whoa, it's so small!" Otachi laughed.

Knifehead reached up and punched a hole in one of the beer cans using his pointy forehead. He chugged it quickly as Otachi passed drinks around to the other kaijus. They each opened their can and drank as quickly as possible, tossing the empties back into the ocean.

"Let's go see it up close," Leatherback belched and started to make his way out of the ocean and onto dry land. Godzilla pretended to finish his drink, pouring the bitter beverage into the ocean behind his friends' backs, and followed behind them.

The gang of gigantic monsters made their way into the city, their footsteps rattling the foundations of buildings. With each step, the human screams got louder. Streets cracked and cars were crushed below their enormous feet. Leatherback stumbled, already feeling a buzz from his drink, and tried to steady himself on a skyscraper, but rather than regain his balance, he tore the top ten stories of the building clean off.

The top of the structure tumbled to the ground, landing on Otachi's foot, causing him to jump back and bump into yet another tall building.

"Hey, watch it, bozo! I just got a pedicure!" Otachi yelled, offended by his friend's carelessness. He pushed himself back up off the building, causing it to tumble to the ground as well.

Godzilla's ears perked up when he heard the alarm go off. The roar of a disaster alert followed by an automated voice telling the humans to file orderly into the nearest underground shelter. Tiny humans, barely visible from his height flooded the streets and ran in one direction away from Godzilla and his friends.

Knifehead shotgunned another beer and tossed one to Godzilla. In a state of shock, he fumbled the catch, and the massive can smashed into a short building at his feet. He bent to pick it up, knocking down the remaining ceiling and walls with his clumsy clawed hands.

All of a sudden, Otachi began to sprint back toward the ocean. "Five-o, five-o!" he alerted his friends. Godzilla stood back up quickly and whipped his head around. From deeper into the city, three robots equal to the kaiju in height were approaching their location.

Leatherback's eyes gleamed wildly when he saw their advance. "You guys run, I want to have some fun!"

Leatherback charged toward the jaegers, knocking down any building that was even mildly in his way. He leapt and tackled the front most one to the ground and began to beat it with his massive arms. The other two mechs pulled him off as quickly as they could and threw him to the ground, then helping their comrade to its feet.

Godzilla froze as in horror as he watched his friend was beaten into the dirt by the policing robots while the rest of his gang ran for safety. A gutsy news helicopter buzzed around his face. A tear streamed out of his massive eye, his birthday was truly ruined.

Roy sat in his recliner, a Bud Light Lime in one hand and the remote in the other. He flicked through channels aimlessly until his eyes caught a familiar face on the screen.

"Susan!" he bellowed, "Your son is on the goddamn news."

THE END


End file.
